SYMPTOM: MACHINE WON'T AGITATE
Check to see if it is plugged in. If so, check for power at outlet with tongue. If power is present, bandage tongue and pull the gray knob out on Hell Cycler control panel. If it still doesn't agitate, open the top of the machine (lift up on the front) and check the circuit breaker.

SYMPTOM: MACHINE WON'T PUMP
OK, stay with me, we'll get through this. First, check for the presence of a mix to pump in the tub. Next, check for power (see above). Switch pump mode switch to continuous mode. Listen for pleasant sounding hum from pump motor. If the pump is running check for obstructions in the tub or for a kinked hose (open the top) If the pump is not running, check circuit breaker (see #1 above). If nothing works, don't panic, have a drink and call the Crisis Intervention Team.

SYMPTOM: MIX TASTELESS
Don't worry, your cup is just empty. Carefully approach the Hell Cycler and calmly place your cup beneath the dispenser for a refill. See, now isn't that better? I told you it would be OK.

SYMPTOM: ROOM IS DARK
If you hear a humming sound, you have leaned too far into the Hell Cycler and fallen into the tub. Remove yourself from the machine and note how much mix is remaining by finding the "high water mark" on your clothing. Fill cup before stepping away.

SYMPTOM: MACHINE WON'T FILL MY CUP
Check that the pump will dispense in continuous mode, then check the dispense spout to photo-sensor alignment. Ensure that the inverse phase detractors are in proper alignment with the marsall vanes.

SYMPTOM: MACHINE SPILLS ON THE FLOOR WHILE DISPENSING
Turn the pump off, push the agitate knob in, and open the lid. Call your local Crisis Intervention Team member so he can come and take the Hell Cycler from you

SYMPTOM: WINNER LIGHT IS FLASHING
If you are female, You must sacrifice one piece of undergarment to the Hell Cycler before anyone can get another drink.